Thank You For Your Venom

Her tender kisses were hungry butterflies upon your flesh. How does one describe that rush of passion when you feel that deep, lustful kiss that permeates your very heart? It drills hard, to the core of your heart, gives you chills, makes you hungry yet not hungry. Every moment, every movement, each feels like its racing against the passage of time. And you hear her every whisper each time she's touched. Your ears burn for it, as does your soul, each one devilishly short, making your heart cry out for another- and when it reaches your ears, you feel it move you, calling out for more.  There's wonder behind them, a sense of satisfaction unending. As soft arms wrap around your face to embrace you in a kiss, you feel your eyes drop closed and the internal BPM crank up. You shake when she plays with your neck, whispers, breathes, moans in your ear; those noises somehow find themselves at the bottom of your ribcage. What she does with the rest of her mouth, to that ear, has no descriptor, despite it being beyond intense. Hands wander to destinations unknown- you rush to keep up, but are already lost in her lucious caresses. She rakes her nails down your back; you tell her you're ticklish, and the pleasure mixed with the pain only pushes you harder into the kisses you feed her.  Moans escape your lips, both in joy and in reflex of nerves awakened- her fingers, now eager to work harder upon realization of this sound. Her wrists pinned, she's helpless, loving every moment of your grasp - a sheer sign of enjoying your dominance. You sense that smile, deep in her eyes even though they're closed, this moment being something she's screamed for in dreams. Yet there's something about glaring up into those wicked eyes of a female knowing she has you in her grasp. Their deep blue only lure you into a false security, proving its faux existence when her actions cause eyes to slam shut and hands to tremble. That sense of feeling trapped only drives the emotions, while at the same time makes you pull her closer- or beg for more of what she's offering.  And how can one say no to that grin on her face, being so pleased from holding you under her nails? You don't know, but your mind debates to either enjoy this, or return the sweet torture she deals. Even after drenching yourself in warm, bubbly waters, you still smell her on you, and your lips are numb from all the work they've been put through. Your joints ache from moving so much, making no sense since time didn't exist then. An hour later, you look into the mirror, gazing at those marks she's left upon you, the branding she placed upon your flesh. Cool water cleanses them, but time makes them burn more almost as much as when they were inflicted. Despite the embarrassment, you can only help but smile- for each one of those lines, each one of those spots, are a pleasant reminder of venom injected with open arms into your heart.  Good luck sleeping tonight pardner. Your thoughts for the next few days have gotten more than a tiny bit cluttered. There's a tornado sweeping through, and one house will lie turned over a mile away while another is left unscathed.  Just try to look into her eyes and not smile; life's different, that's a fact. How you keep up with the rest of her wishes is for you to handle, but remember- never make a woman cry, because God counts every one of her tears.

Fall Out and Farming

I had woken up today earlier, getting my share of sleep in, the 8 hours everyone really needs. There had been something that struck me last night as quite harsh, and I'm am dealing with it in a mature way. Yet, I still was kept awake some by it.

Personally, it had been answers I had been searching for, for a long while that day. Meeting with friends and missionaries, they asked, "Do you have any questions?" and I had asked, "Do you have anything you recommend I study for patience?" Their eyes lit up, and they gave me suggestions. I didn't study what they said I should. Instead, I handed off my scriptures to my friend so he could get my name engraved on them at the local bookstore.

So instead, I went to others for help. Didn't get the answers I wanted, though then again, I usually never do. I was reminded thought that I talk too much and worry too much as well. Two truths. With that knowledge, and an upset stomach from eating far too much pizza, I did the best I could to sleep. Usually I dream, but I don't remember that dream.

Here is where I woke up around 7am, mostly confused. Thoughts of other stuff went around, of what someone thinks of me, of why someone would leave a comment like that. I couldn't find answers, so I opted for another route- and opted out of it. As a last resort- knowing it should've been my first resort- I thought of Prayer; in defiance, wanting to deal with this on my own, I refused. There was a voice in my head, telling me something of if I refuse to accept His burden, if I refuse to give him my troubles and accept that I am not perfect, then I have found nothing. To be helped, I must tell Him I am asking for it.

So I did. That may have been one of the hardest times for me to actually pray for something. I'm not good at asking for things from anyone, let me tell you what. There was a lot of help asked for, a good bit of thanks given, and some relief; thoughts still lingered on my mind though. I tried going back to sleep, feeling quite cold.

I heard that voice again in my head. "Sleep, My son. I will show you a dream of how life will be." It took a while to fall asleep, as a few of those previous thoughts quietly milled around. I felt the cold as well still, and bundled up as I could.

Thus, I fell asleep soon enough, and dreamt. From what I remember, there was a dream of me standing in an auditorium, this huge concert going on with a line in it. I kept hearing music and was excited, as this seemed to be a famous group, and wanted to take photos. I desperately reach into my pocket, figuring I wouldn't have my camera, but lo and behold, it was there. There was a single photo I had gotten, a quick one from accidentally seeing the band backstage. I wanted to stick around, but somehow I was pulled away from all this, and brought to a farm.

In some strange realization, I was told I was a farmer now. Quite confused, yet understanding, I shrugged and looked around the farm... and saw a small hovel for pigs. Someone, I don't know whom, wanted one of those pigs out of the dark building and into the moving pen. Being never a farmer, I was timid to go in there and catch one of those pigs, but could see them quite clearly. Walked up to one, and thought, "What drives a pig? Food!" Using a trick I knew that fooled my dog a lot, I used treats to lure him outside, and up to the pen.

He looked up at that pen, and somehow I sensed he knew where he had to go, and though regretting it, he went inside with a bit more coersion. Fellow farmers helped me block the opening so he couldn't get out. As they secured the pen, there was a clear opening though, but he didn't leave until there was some animosity towards the pig that was broadcasted from someone- he was content eating the food in the cage, then it was as if someone gave him a hard time and he left. I was more concerned of him running out of the barn than him being in the cage, and made that a priority.

The dream starts getting a bit fuzzy here, though I recall empathizing with the pig and making sure he felt alright. I woke up soon after that, thoughts of how I treat someone on my mind, and asking them if I had hurt them... and midway in thought, I realized I already had my answer.

I was given an amazing oppurtunity, and took it while I could, God giving me the tools to accomplish this when I needed them. Yet at the drop of a hat, I accepted a calling I was given strictly by God, and used what knowledge and talents I have to help get the job done.

I feel a little bit better about today. Perhaps this'll be a better day than the last.

Interesting wakeup

Well, that was quite unique of a day yesterday. Did some drawing, took care of personal matters in relationships, drew some. Got some tips on drawing actually, quite nice.

What got me more was that I dreamt of swimming and such... then woke up IN the dream, remembered to do what I was trained and figure out things instead. Maybe that's telling me something, since I forgot to finish my training fully in-step and then I went to take care of things in my room.

I think this is a good wake up call for me. I'm noticing I'm using my training more as I wake up, analyzing everything as an aspect of my life. I wrote down my dream when I woke up in a journal right in the nightstand... will scan it when I get time.

Getting in Gear

There seems to be a few things hitting me pretty hard that I need to tackle somehow. Gotta find plans that can be applied, and more plans.

My subconsious is showing me easily noticable signs that I need- key word there is need- to take steps to go forward. I'm at the point to where simple "do it yourself" learning, just winging it as I hear about it and see a few things, isn't working anymore- not because I'm not creative, but that I need to focus now on learning and not doing life as it is about a quarter mile past where I've been. I got very frustrated at trying to draw this one pose, and I got this vague feeling that I need to learn more before I can do it right. So, I went back to my old books and did basic learning as I should have when I first got it.

I stumbled- or rather, my subconsious pointed me in the direction of- a link for moleskine notebook improvements. Things like, how to take better notes, how to modify them to hold pens, how to organize life properly. As I'm seeing more and more stuff come together with a working plan, I'm getting that huge realization that I must take actions to organize life. I'm receiving anger that things aren't going as I wish they would be; looking back though, I know its my fault. I'm getting those vague urges to walk around and do more, to focus my mind and get a task done. There's just so much to do, yet I know its all here in front of me on how TO get it done. Hell, I was shown GetStuffDone procedures on that moleskine article anyway.

Stuff absolutely has to get done. It doesn't matter how, I just need to do it somehow. I'll make a list here, for me (and others to see how I'm doing) and continually update on how I'm progressing.

• Get Driver's License
  -I've driven before for 2 years, but I feel fear when I think about me being on the road. I would rather not be made fun of anymore for being afraid to move forward; this is a huge roadblock in my life, as its caused me to be quite home-bound and unhappy. My family is unhappy with it as well- both their disapproval of the situation, and how they notice I'm not happy with me.
• Get Outside More
  -This is somewhat tied to driving, but also independent of it. I'm in the house too much. I've worked on it more recently, stepping out to get some air more often, and I do feel my mind loosening up a bit- in a good way. When I'm out and relaxing, I feel more of those emotions bound up getting out; they can be bad, but letting them loose means they aren't in my system, and the subconsious gets through them instead of holding on. I can deal with them now instead of putting a damper on them and making myself ill.
• Fully draw a portrait, with shading and good anatomy
  -Drawing is just something I want to do. I want to be good, proud of what I do. I've been studying... well, more like, just doing it here and there... drawing material, but not hard enough. Gotta focus, ike ike ike. I want to draw my characters, just to be able to do it. I wish I could do comics, but... i'd rather write for them. Somehow though, I think that if I learn good anatomy, I better can appreciate human form- something I've noticed in myself a little bit more over the years. Its a calming, nonviolent activity, and i'll be able to be happily doing something like that when I'm older and can't do as much physically.
• Incorporate Huna into life as best as I can
  -I havn't been doing this enough. It only comes up here and there, the rememberance of things, yet as of late more and more has it shown. I notice myself feeling emotions instead of just going through them. I see applications and don't apply it as often as I like. The tools are here. I need to use the tools in front of me- I've gathered them all up, have a car to drive and money to do the test, have drawing books, paper, and pencils/erasers/templates/rulers/etc, have a wonderful place to enjoy, let alone the entire planet! I also have huna resources right in front of me too, books, podcasts, and the forums. Its all here, and I need to get better at life and use what I have instead of letting it sit around like a lazy person.
• Write a complete novel
  -This is a thing i feel i must do. I'm a good writer when I focus. Unlike drawing, I'm already quite skilled at writing naturally, so I'm ahead in that area... but I don't push myself to do it. I don't want to actually enjoy it. I do though, I really do want to enjoy it. I want complex relationships, conflict and resolution, amazing locations and events, all kinds of stuff. I simply can't get around to doing it. Maybe... the subconsious just wants me to get stuff done before I do that. Something to ponder, I guess...
• Find a job in arts/writing/advertising
  -Wal-mart isn't going to cut it forever. I somehow need to find something I like doing instead of just doing what's available. Its finding something that I do enjoy that I need to find.
• Be more confident in myself
  -I'm a good person. I know I am. Everyone does a bit of mean things here and there- they're not really mean, they just things that assert that you're human with wants and needs too and others should respect them. I'm not saying I need to be selfish, I just need to take care of myself more and stop being so passive. I feel crappy when I'm passive, even though others got what they wanted and are satisfied. "I can't get no satisfaction" needs to be looked at as the subconsious sees that 2 letter word- no doesn't exist, so the lyrics MUST become, "I can get satisfaction." I can be happy, I can be confident that I'm cool and smart and a good person. I simply need to know it and reminds myself of it.

There are a few things absent here for my age, i know, like going to school and my famous one, finding love. Somehow I know these things will inch their way into how things go on their own- they'll somehow become part of my plan, as I want them to. I'll set myself up for classes, I'll get to them sooner than I think quite frankly. I'll find a nice person to spend time with as I'm getting things done, getting close to them and not forcing it. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't force those two things right now, or I'll just avoid them and not pursue them; I'll either find need for them through this things above, or be directed to get them done in other means. Its not that I think school isn't important (as goes for love)- they both are. I just have to want them, y'know? I don't see a real need right now. I'll get to them, don't worry.

I just think things are all about planning though. Not sitting on my butt and actually getting stuff done, having fun, and doing what i need to do. It takes a plan to get stuff done, else you're not getting much done. Planning is a must in my life now, as its been too absent beforehand. I'll figure this all out somehow, and I plan on it